Today started out really tough. I'm getting sick and I had to get up early to go to work at the drug store. I knew I was in a certain monthly trouble when I woke up with a small pimple on my upper lip. Then on the way to work I almost started crying just listening to Somebody to Love. I had been up for less than an hour and I was already on a rollercoaster. At work I was sniffling and dripping and my eyes were watering and my sinuses were aching. I wanted to spend all my money on cough and cold medicine, then build a mattress out of packages of maxi pads and diapers to sleep on in one of the aisles. I first-world suffered through the whole day and then after work, went to pick up my mama.
We had made plans to go to the gym, and on the way we got into an argument. The Bear was being pretty loud today, grumbling and despairing about each and every little thing; it had me snarling on the defense immediately. So when I finally got to the gym I was almost in sick, hormonal, frustrated tears. As I laced up in the change room I couldn't calm myself down. I talked myself out of the 10K. Into the 10K. Giving up my goals of fitness. Giving up everything. Starving myself. Stuffing myself until I self destructed. It was crazy and manic and I knew I had to run if my emotions were ever going to find balance. It was dragging myself to the run today that I came up with a new motto.
"Someday I will be nothing, so right now I must be everything."
-Me
You heard it here first.
Sometimes, I find honest, weird solace in the fact that life is going to end. Those demotivational posters that say: "When work gets overwhelming, just remember you're going to die someday"? They put things in perfect perspective for me and I think about how inconsequential some things are in the big scheme of life... and death. It's not that I'm sprinting towards the finish line of existence or anything, but nothing soothes my anxiety like realizing that some day, these monumental things and feelings and trials that are freaking me out will all be nothing.
Start living. Write more love poems. Wear what you want. Give your all daily. Other cheesy vague generic and not inspiring statements. POW POW POW.
Riley. You are truly an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI was feeling really shitty about my current joblessness which made me think that maybe my life and worth HAD to be defined by my occupation. Though I know that's definitely wrong, it's hard not to keep thinking it.
However, your quote struck something in me. I have to be everything. Right now. And I can't look back or think that I'll fail because I won't.
I wish you poems. I wish you love. I wish you tons of delicious cheese.
hugs and ♥ laura
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