Today, I felt okay. Maybe okay for the first time I have in awhile. I kind of felt like... maybe everything wasn't pointless. It sounds borderline-omg-put-that-girl-on-24-hour--death-watch, but today I went out biking and I was nervous around the cars, because I have things to live for. Something clicked and today, I mattered, and maybe even though I'm not sure where I'm going and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, there IS a place for me somewhere.
Some part of me acknowledged that a big part of my problems are just wild insecurities, confidence issues not yet resolved.
Maybe I do matter to the people I love, the people who love me, and it's only the ugly voice of poor self confidence that's telling me I'm being replaced and it doesn't matter, that I'm not good enough for them, that I've changed for the worse, and that every choice I make from here on out will be a mistake.
Strangely, it helped to go to the thrift store and try on clothes that both fit and looked good. The weight gain over the trip and the summer so far have only made me furious with myself, and today I think I realized that it's going to be okay. Finding the perfect fit just felt like, no matter what size I am, I can still choose something that's me. I can still be myself. That I'm going to fight back somehow and go on without drowning. I went for an intense bike ride and took on as many hills as I wanted, never stopping to walk on any of them. Regardless of a number on the scale, I feel like my body is getting stronger every day. (I'm almost 15 days into my "23 before 24" goal of maintaining a fitness regime for three months!)
It also helped that I looked in the mirror and it was the first time in awhile that I didn't feel plain or ugly. There was a glimmer of something in the mirror. Something beyond pretty or beautiful, beneath the surface. Maybe it was the unique thing that makes me... me and today was the first day in a long time that I really felt like myself again.
I don't know what to make about any of this, I just know that it's good, I hope it lasts, and even more than that, I hope it keeps getting better.
July 30, 2013
July 26, 2013
Progress.
Progress on the 23 before 24 list, thus far.
3/23 completed.
1. Visit a new city! -- Melbourne, Australia.
3. Get another tattoo.
12. GO HIKING!
19. Actually print off and frame some of the photos I've taken.
3/23 completed.
My 23 before 24 list.
2. Make proper macarons.
4. Run 10K. (Again!)
5. Accept a compliment gracefully.
6. Read 12 books. -- You Suck & A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore, Half Asleep In Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins. 3/12
7. Make more time for dancing.
8. Send letters to people I love.
9. Maintain a fitness routine for 3 months. -- In progress!
10. Find my signature beer/cocktail.
11. Learn how to use dad's SLR camera.
13. Learn "hello" and "I love you" in 3 more languages. (Bonus: Learn simple Russian phrases to talk to Babcia.)
14. Shoot a blog video for Bite Club.
15. Finish a third slam poem, for a full set, just in case...
16. Surprise someone!
17. Ask someone out. (Bonus points: in person. Forget texting and Facebook.)
18. Drag out on Halloween. 19. Actually print off and frame some of the photos I've taken.
20. Learn things about latte art. (Like, oh, I dunno, how to do it.)
21.
Stay out all night, until the sun comes up, because it sounds like a
movie or a book or a song, and who knows how long it will be before you
can't do it anymore?
22. Get rid of some old stuff.
23. Make a 24 before 25. (Never quit striving!)
July 22, 2013
Not mine, must be yours.
I'm not even back from Australia a week, but already I'm longing for the sweet pause that is disappearing from your own life. The funny thing, is while I was in the Outback, seeing more stars than I could ever dream of, kicking up red dirt, I really missed home. Now, I arrive home only to realize things have shifted in my absence, I'm less sure of everything in my future than I thought I was, and I no longer feel like I have a place anywhere.
I think the need to belong, whether it's in a family, a group of friends, at work, or within society as a whole, is pretty strong in all of us. Sometimes I feel like with me, it's both a fuelling and destroying force. When I'm something to somebody, when I feel needed, a lot of my insecurities melt away and I'm happy.. But when I feel like I'm on the outside, anything good turns bad, and everything bad turns worse. My future. My body. My relationships, or lack thereof.
I had a weird moment today, when I was helping move some things into my kid sister's apartment. She's moving to the big city for school, and living with our cousin. If I go through the motions and get into baking school, then get the cajones to drop out of university, there's a chance I could be living there too in the third, unoccupied bedroom. The place was nice. Gleaming hardwood floors, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances. Glass coffee tables and enough light. I felt sick to my stomach. The place was nice, but it wasn't me.
I missed my apartment in Montreal. With the excessive stairs, the uneven, creaking floors, the little back balcony. The art on the walls and the vintage trunk for a coffee table. The neighbors downstairs who play their music really loud at 3AM on random weekends. My apartment. Where I knew I had a place for myself, because I had made it. The girls already had some of their furniture moved in, none of it really suiting my own tastes, and I could imagine months and months from now, that it wouldn't be so much that I moved in with them, but that I would move in AROUND them. I know this is ridiculous. I know that if I had to suck it up and put in the work and the sacrifice to get what I want, I would. I would move into that apartment.
But until that moment when I saw my potential future, the small empty spare room in someone else's apartment, shit, someone else's life, it finally hit me how much I was going to be giving up if I had to make the move. Montreal will always be better than Toronto in my heart, today just clarified that.
My insecurities and uncertainty only ran yet more wild when I realized later in the day that I don't even feel secure in my place in Montreal anymore. My friends there have been building their beautiful lives in my absence. OBVIOUSLY, I mean, I'm not an egomaniac, the world wasn't going to stop when I was gone and I knew that. But still.... The fear that I'll return there, only to stand on the sidelines, only to be nothing is...rampant and strong. That I don't have a place at all... I was so anxious and irritable and heartsore over all of it, I passed out for 3-4 hours, hoping the feeling would disappear. It didn't.
Strong ideas that I don't have a place in the now, and I don't know anything about my place in the future.
I think the need to belong, whether it's in a family, a group of friends, at work, or within society as a whole, is pretty strong in all of us. Sometimes I feel like with me, it's both a fuelling and destroying force. When I'm something to somebody, when I feel needed, a lot of my insecurities melt away and I'm happy.. But when I feel like I'm on the outside, anything good turns bad, and everything bad turns worse. My future. My body. My relationships, or lack thereof.
I had a weird moment today, when I was helping move some things into my kid sister's apartment. She's moving to the big city for school, and living with our cousin. If I go through the motions and get into baking school, then get the cajones to drop out of university, there's a chance I could be living there too in the third, unoccupied bedroom. The place was nice. Gleaming hardwood floors, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances. Glass coffee tables and enough light. I felt sick to my stomach. The place was nice, but it wasn't me.
I missed my apartment in Montreal. With the excessive stairs, the uneven, creaking floors, the little back balcony. The art on the walls and the vintage trunk for a coffee table. The neighbors downstairs who play their music really loud at 3AM on random weekends. My apartment. Where I knew I had a place for myself, because I had made it. The girls already had some of their furniture moved in, none of it really suiting my own tastes, and I could imagine months and months from now, that it wouldn't be so much that I moved in with them, but that I would move in AROUND them. I know this is ridiculous. I know that if I had to suck it up and put in the work and the sacrifice to get what I want, I would. I would move into that apartment.
But until that moment when I saw my potential future, the small empty spare room in someone else's apartment, shit, someone else's life, it finally hit me how much I was going to be giving up if I had to make the move. Montreal will always be better than Toronto in my heart, today just clarified that.
My insecurities and uncertainty only ran yet more wild when I realized later in the day that I don't even feel secure in my place in Montreal anymore. My friends there have been building their beautiful lives in my absence. OBVIOUSLY, I mean, I'm not an egomaniac, the world wasn't going to stop when I was gone and I knew that. But still.... The fear that I'll return there, only to stand on the sidelines, only to be nothing is...rampant and strong. That I don't have a place at all... I was so anxious and irritable and heartsore over all of it, I passed out for 3-4 hours, hoping the feeling would disappear. It didn't.
Strong ideas that I don't have a place in the now, and I don't know anything about my place in the future.
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