Let's waste time chasing cars.

Today, I felt okay. Maybe okay for the first time I have in awhile. I kind of felt like... maybe everything wasn't pointless. It sounds borderline-omg-put-that-girl-on-24-hour--death-watch, but today I went out biking and I was nervous around the cars, because I have things to live for. Something clicked and today, I mattered, and maybe even though I'm not sure where I'm going and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, there IS a place for me somewhere.

Some part of me acknowledged that a big part of my problems are just wild insecurities, confidence issues not yet resolved.
Maybe I do matter to the people I love, the people who love me, and it's only the ugly voice of poor self confidence that's telling me I'm being replaced and it doesn't matter, that I'm not good enough for them, that I've changed for the worse, and that every choice I make from here on out will be a mistake.

Strangely, it helped to go to the thrift store and try on clothes that both fit and looked good. The weight gain over the trip and the summer so far have only made me furious with myself, and today I think I realized that it's going to be okay. Finding the perfect fit just felt like, no matter what size I am, I can still choose something that's me. I can still be myself. That I'm going to fight back somehow and go on without drowning. I went for an intense bike ride and took on as many hills as I wanted, never stopping to walk on any of them. Regardless of a number on the scale, I feel like my body is getting stronger every day. (I'm almost 15 days into my "23 before 24" goal of maintaining a fitness regime for three months!)

It also helped that I looked in the mirror and it was the first time in awhile that I didn't feel plain or ugly. There was a glimmer of something in the mirror. Something beyond pretty or beautiful, beneath the surface. Maybe it was the unique thing that makes me... me and today was the first day in a long time that I really felt like myself again.

I don't know what to make about any of this, I just know that it's good, I hope it lasts, and even more than that, I hope it keeps getting better.