RANT: The Bear

Lately I've been in a bad mood: I've nicknamed the bad mood The Bear.

The Bear hibernates for long periods of time, only to show up at random, during that time of the month, when I'm sleepy, or when it smells something it might like to feed off of. When a friend shows up looking fabulous and gorgeous to the max, I'm happy, but The Bear snarls and grumps with jealousy. When my older sister invites me for a night out, dancing at the bar, The Bear reminds me that all her friends are skinnier than me, and people will be judging me. When there's a long shift at work, The Bear will sleep for the shift and come out afterwards, angry for no reason whatsoever. Basically, The Bear is out to massacre my good moods, my nights out, my confidence, my relationships with the ones I love or the the ones I could love. The Bear, when it's around, gives me guilt and fear for just wanting to do things that I want to do.

I've been fighting with The Bear lately. I've been struggling to workout, to find some peace with myself, but I've also been struggling really hard with the art of letting go. The art of not giving a [cover your ears kids] fuck. When someone hurts me, I don't tend to get over it, I hold on to it and forget about it, until something brings back the pain or frustration. I've seen this quality in other people and it's not flattering or healthy. In fact I think it's neurotic, my social phobia rearing it's ugly head. A big lumbering beast, following me around in my day to day life, making everything generally worse.

Milliseconds of painful time seem to be branded in my memory. I remember all the words people used to tease me when I was little. I remember my birthday, 17 or 18, making my own cupcakes while my friends and best-friend-at-the-time played video games in my basement. I remember one night last year having too much to drink, having a wild panic attack and being given the silent treatment the next day by my roommates, for one reason or another. Not a month ago, I was stretching in my driveway after a run-- a car cruised by with some young guys in it. One of them yelled something, but I couldn't hear it because of my headphones. I assumed the worst and couldn't put it out of my mind.

I keep all this stuff locked up when really, all I want to do is get rid of it. Lose the luggage, fly somewhere else. I really can't wait to start exercising again, because in lots of ways, running is good for my mind and my body. I'm stronger and I'm more stable, and I don't let the little things get to me as much. That being said, I'm making a public statement: to give less of a fuck, and to GET BACK INTO THE GYM because it fixes all sorts of things. The people who love me will encourage or forgive me for whatever actions I might have to be ashamed of. The people who judge me or hate on me without knowing who I am don't deserve to be a part of my life.

It's hunting season, and I'm out to get The Bear.

Note: Arcade Ragdoll does not support hunting of actual bears with actual weapons. We're hunting The Bear so we can tranquilize it and release it into the wild.