Motto

Today started out really tough. I'm getting sick and I had to get up early to go to work at the drug store. I knew I was in a certain monthly trouble when I woke up with a small pimple on my upper lip. Then on the way to work I almost started crying just listening to Somebody to Love. I had been up for less than an hour and I was already on a rollercoaster. At work I was sniffling and dripping and my eyes were watering and my sinuses were aching. I wanted to spend all my money on cough and cold medicine, then build a mattress out of packages of maxi pads and diapers to sleep on in one of the aisles. I first-world suffered through the whole day and then after work, went to pick up my mama.

We had made plans to go to the gym, and on the way we got into an argument. The Bear was being pretty loud today, grumbling and despairing about each and every little thing; it had me snarling on the defense immediately. So when I finally got to the gym I was almost in sick, hormonal, frustrated tears. As I laced up in the change room I couldn't calm myself down. I talked myself out of the 10K. Into the 10K. Giving up my goals of fitness. Giving up everything. Starving myself. Stuffing myself until I self destructed. It was crazy and manic and I knew I had to run if my emotions were ever going to find balance. It was dragging myself to the run today that I came up with a new motto.

"Someday I will be nothing, so right now I must be everything."
-Me
You heard it here first.

Sometimes, I find honest, weird solace in the fact that life is going to end. Those demotivational posters that say: "When work gets overwhelming, just remember you're going to die someday"? They put things in perfect perspective for me and I think about how inconsequential some things are in the big scheme of life... and death. It's not that I'm sprinting towards the finish line of existence or anything, but nothing soothes my anxiety like realizing that some day, these monumental things and feelings and trials that are freaking me out will all be nothing.

Start living. Write more love poems. Wear what you want. Give your all daily. Other cheesy vague generic and not inspiring statements. POW POW POW.

Blogifornia #4: Final Thoughts

Here is a picture of me thinking all of these oh-so deep final thoughts.
I’m cheating and writing this on the airplane, en route to my home AND native land. The country being Canada, the city being Toronto and the weather being cold. I am looking forward to two of those three things, and I can assure you after seven days of pure California sunshine, it’s not the cold.

I was sad to see the mountains, the desert, the gorgeous weather, the palm trees all disappear behind the cloud cover as our flight took off today. I got to see and do some amazing things in California. It was a perfect way to shake off the winter drag. I feel ready to face the rest of the semester. (The rest of my life? Different story.)
In spite of the fact that I was loving everything La Quinta offered, I was surprised about how much I missed the things I had left behind. My fam-a-lam, Costello, and my other roommate, (the artist formerly known as Rebekah Eden, over at Eden a la Mode). I missed the apartment with it’s tiny kitchen. Faces and people who had been nothing but Facebook updates and messages for the duration of the entire week.
It really makes me wonder as to whether or not I’d be capable of moving somewhere far away, like England or Los Angeles, away from everything that is familiar and loved. Who can say? I guess the point is that while SOME good things just have to come to an end, there’s a silver lining waiting on the other side just wanting to be acknowledged.

I’ll never forget the trip, what was seen and done, tasted and captured in photographs. I had a bunch of firsts for this trip, and those are always exciting, because they can turn into seconds or thirds.
I discovered that I don’t hate seafood. I tried a date shake. I hugged the prickliest tree I’ve ever met. I walked through the desert to an oasis, and saw huge gorgeous rock formations that had been around for thousands of years. I saw sky so big and blue, you could fall up and go swimming in it.
Maybe on my next visit.

New dream? Possibly.