Confessions: The F Word [Part I]

I'm sick right now, and taking bioxin for an infection from blisters on my heels. My day was spent reading and sleeping. I feel pretty awful about doing virtually nothing, even if it is in the name of recovery. There are cakes to be baked and scripts to be read and I'm napping away the hours and guzzling grape gatorade. My lovely roommates keep Florence Nightingaling me. Telly has slept on my bed, keeping me company. My mother is texting me for constant updates. Really, I'm just sick, in productive life limbo. Typing doesn't take energy, so I thought I'd make a post on something near and dear to my heart. Personal health, and losing weight.

This story starts out sad, but I promise it's going somewhere worthwhile. I'm not the type who likes to bitch and moan for no good reason. At the beginning of my life, if you don't want to sugar coat it-- I was the fat girl. I was bullied on the playground. To this day I can remember in clear detail things that kids said to me. Things that hurt me, things that make me angry now. The words hit my back like rocks I wasn't strong enough to carry. Photos from my teenage years.

This pattern followed me through childhood. When I got to highschool, I wasn't bullied because of my size. I was ignored. My friends had crushes and boyfriends, while I had video games and junk food. My friends had dates and their first kisses and sexual experiences-- I had size 18 jeans. I wasn't Riley. I was so-and-so's fat friend. I wished to be anorexic, but food was too comforting when I was upset. I tried to make myself throw up -- it never worked. My gag reflex just wasn't strong enough and I got scared when my nails cut the back of my throat and I saw blood on my fingers. That was scary as hell, and it might be graphic but that's what really happened. I feel it's really important to be as honest as possible here. So maybe, sometime, some girl just like teenage me will read this and realize she's not alone. I stayed large, out of control, lonely and self loathing. A part of me even hated my friends, because they had everything I didn't. They were who I couldn't be, and they couldn't understand what it was like to be the big F word.

I don't know exactly what it was that flicked the switch, I can only guess. I want to say that in the summer of 2007 I realized I had a year before I graduated from high school and there was a world of college waiting for me. A new life, possibilities unexplored. Maybe it was because when I stepped on the scale I saw 235lbs. At the time I didn't even realize just how big that really was. Whatever it was, I snapped a before picture and got down to business.

The "before" photo. Summer 2007.

I ended up losing 20lbs that summer, using a website called Calorie Count. Juggling school and life that year, I worked my ass off- literally. At my prom I was a glorious 182 lbs. Lighter than I had been in years! College happened, and despite that I was healthier than ever before, I still didn't have what I wanted. I made friends, and I got crushes but that was it.

In the second semester of my first year, the first girl I had made friends with in my program committed suicide. I have never in my life felt anything like it. Blinding crippling grief. Then numb. Then sorrow that hollowed me out raw, and left me wide open without motivation. I had brief thoughts of dropping out, and I saw it in the faces of my friends. I spoke at her funeral, it's the kind of heavy I will never fully be rid of. However, instead of dealing with it by eating, my appetite was gone. I worked out with DVDs in my res room or I ran on treadmills. Almost every. Single. Day.

My life saver, Josh hugged me tight and I remember his surprised question while his chin was on my shoulder. "Have you lost weight since like...last week?" In my need to distract myself from pain, I was being cut down to size. I finished first year at 160lbs. I don't know at what age I might have been a comparable number. All I can provide an example for is that in grade three, I remember being around 130lbs. It was a new, all time low.

[To be continued...]