Life of Wiley

So Saturday was my birthday. I'm now 24 years old. I have no idea what that means, what it's supposed to mean or if it means anything at all, even.

I've been having a tough time with anxiety lately. Like...really tough. Considering options of medication. Jill and I went for drinks at midnight of the 21st, and I brought up the idea of pills to her. She was understanding, but she also didn't completely get it. It's something that's difficult to translate from one person suffering from a mental health issue to someone who isn't. You can never quite articulate exactly how it is you're feeling, and the blunt force trauma language you might use to get your point across sounds...well...

Crazy.

There is a strange kind of experience that comes with sitting across a table from your elder sibling, on your birthday, drink in hand, music blaring in the background, and trying to explain that...things have been getting worse lately. Trying to explain that it's not something therapy is going to fix this time. That you've fought anxiety in the past without medication but this feels different. And it feels different because in the times before you never woke up feeling like you were just tired of being alive. It's not that I want to die on bad days, it's just that I've been tired of existing. 

My birthday was low key, with love and thoughtfulness. Jill woke me up with my first breakfast in bed-- birthday cake flavoured pancakes. Messages of birthday goodness came in across all platforms. My mom who never bakes made me a torte. The sun was shining. There were decorations up in the house, just for me. I went out and bought some comics. I went to a poetry slam with Steph, and Dan gave me a hug hug and was so happy to see me. I had all this love at my fingertips and everything felt right. And then I woke up this morning to go to work and I was anxious and I wanted out of my own head.

Birthday was a good reminder of what the good times are like. Which is great because lately, the good times have felt a little few and far between. So yep. Thinking lots about life and living.