Sticky situation.

WARNING: This post is NOT safe for you if you're uncomfortable with talk about lady parts, waxing, swearing, (you can see where this is going) and other fun things of such nature. If you want to stop reading now I'll leave you with this picture of my pussy....cat rocking his PRIDE bling and then you can have a little giggle, wander on your merry way, and leave the rest of us to our debauchery.ANYWAY. Now that it's just us, let's get down to it. I've written other blogs about the adventures of waxing BEFORE, but I'm too lazy to dig them up and anyway, today was a particularly comical episode in the Life of Riley. For reasons unknown to myself today, I felt the need to pare down the savage garden a little bit. Whether it was for the beach trip I may or may not be taking, the short SHORT shorts I'll be wearing to hot yoga tomorrow, or just general insanity, I may never know.

What I do know is that I had strips from a home wax kit my friend bought and left at my house awhile ago. I looked at them and thought, "Hey, cool! Why not?" So I stripped my pants off (because I ALWAYS wear tearaways) and got to work. These particular strips were low maintenance. You only had to warm them with friction. It kind of looked like I was trying to start a fire.

I peeled the strip open and applied it to the freshly trimmed greenery downstairs, only to realize: holy SHIT this stuff is sticky. Ohmygod this is going to hurt. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. So I did what I had to do and took it off. But because I wussed out, I did it slowly. (I'm one of THOSE band aid people.) And it DID hurt, regardless. When I looked at the sheet, a few hairs were hanging out on it pathetically. Otherwise, the damn things had been pretty ineffective... Mostly due to the fact that I am LAME.

That's when I came to the horrible realization that I had a sticky, glossy candy coating of wax on EVERY. SINGLE. HAIR. Horror. I imagined all the horrible things that might get stuck in my pubic hair if the problem wasn't attended to. So I hopped into the shower and tried to wash it off with soap. Nothing. Expensive facewash. Nothing. Bodywash. Nothing. Shampoo. Nothing. It was like the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa gets gum in her hair and Marge tries everything from Peanut Butter to Baba Ghanoush... If that episode were to take place in my crotch. I hopped out of the shower (the towel stuck to me) and hurried into my room.

If I couldn't save myself, the internet was going to have to give me answers. Moral of the story: GOOGLE IT. Also, if you EVER for ANY reason have problems with removing wax from your skin, the trick is OIL. Any oil. I used baby oil. Google said olive oil, vegetable oil or canola would also do the trick. So now, the name of the game is learning to SHAVE the South Pole, or else, paying someone who will NOT pussy out when it comes to making me feel pain by riddling my nethers with hot wax and linen band aids. The end.