Rant: FAT

Yesterday, something happened to me that hasn't happened in awhile. Someone called me fat. Now it's totally possible it was directed at someone ELSE, but figuring this out didn't make me feel better. It was in the back of my mind ALL DAY. I didn't want anyone to look at me, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want anyone to touch me. It was like every part of me emotionally recoiled, as though the people I loved the most were the ones who had put the bullet in my stability.

I grew up with the word fat. I was bullied sporadically, going periods of time under the radar, and just when I thought everything might be okay, someone else would come along and drop a big fucking F bomb on me. Boo hoo, I know, lots of kids get bullied for lots of different reasons all day, every day. Being picked on is not what makes you a beautiful or unique snowflake; what makes you beautiful is how you overcome and take on your life by storm. The point is, I thought I had outgrown being insulted by the word fat a long time ago.

I'm not a fat activist, but I do believe in the power of body positivity. Recently, I've read enough of the literature of the Fat Positive Movement to feel more secure in myself. I believed that the word 'fat' was just a word. A reclaimed adjective and a physical attribute. That was it. The word couldn't hurt, because technically, telling me I have more junk in my trunk is like telling someone they have red hair. It's just a STATEMENT.

But thinking it over, the word fat bothers me because of the negative connotations it has. Fat isn't just saying that you wear a larger size. FAT is thrown around like an insult, and it's used as a weapon. When one of my slimmer girlfriends says, "Oh god I'm going to get FAT," this is never expressed with joy or anticipation. Saying someone is fat is like saying you think less of them, you don't find them attractive, rather you find them gross or disgusting. And who the fuck is ANYONE to say something like that to anyone else?

Nobody. Thinking before you speak is a goddamn art form.

What I'm mad about is the very fact that someone calling me that has the power to unnerve me at all. I thought I had shaken the old testament definition, and suddenly some jackass on Chatroulette POSSIBLY called me fat and my emotions just crumpled like a piece of paper, when bullshit like that shouldn't even phase me.

I'm going to blame PMS aka The Bear aka Hyde aka all the bad things about me just beneath the physical and emotional surface of my skin. Makes me sensitive and touchy. It even sounds stupid, "A total stranger on the internet MAYBE said I was fat and I retracted from myself because it got right into the core of my brain." The only explanation is that it brought up some old scars that rattled me hard. Fuck how far I've come, I just want to be done with all the emotional baggage that comes along with it.

Even when my friends were trying to make me feel better when they noticed I was dejected, none of them said, "you aren't fat." Which should be okay because I am aware I'm not a size zero, AND if I truly don't believe the word should have negative power it shouldn't matter AND if I didn't care it wouldn't bother me. I am curvy. I am ass-bodacious. I'm fat, by the standards of the fashion industry and by douchebag standards. But who needs douchebags? Why do I even care?

If I love so many people regardless or possibly even because of their size, why do these sentiments and rules evaporate when it comes to myself? What is it about three letters in sequence that cut to the marrow? I'm a hypocrite, I can say it. I have to learn. I have to TRULY believe what I say. It's just a word. Brush it off. It's just a word, believe it, and so on and so forth.

It seems I have more 'not giving a shit' lessons to complete before I can go on. Work in Progress.

OH YEAH, AND IT WAS TOTALLY THE BLOG'S ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG (AND HAPPY 60th DAD)!

Blanket Burning

Awhile ago, I read a great post about the F word over at Bonjour Gazel. That's right, we're talking about FAT again. (If you haven't checked out Gazel's blog, do it. She has stellar taste and she writes eloquently about everything.) Basically, the summary of the post was that your weight and health is YOUR business, not anyone else's. Anyone who thinks it's their right to ask you how much you weigh, or judge you, or give you advice deserves a flip of a big different kind of F word.

I'm hoping to make something clear, because over the next couple of months, I'm going to be working out and losing some weight, building myself some healthy ass-kicking habits.
This is just what I need to do, personally.

I have come miles and miles in terms of understanding who I am and accepting myself and thinking I'm beautiful, but I still feel the need to get fit. This isn't because I want to look like a billboard or a girl in a perfume ad (bitch, please, curves are where it's at!), but I want to be more like me.

If watching TV teaches us anything, it's that apparently ALL fat people would be more beautiful if they lost weight. That they all secretly yearn to be thin, that they ALL eat badly. They all want to be saved by the church of skinny and cry on TV. Well, I'm calling complete BULLSHIT on that.

I have met and seen SO MANY amazing, beautiful, stylish, gorgeous people who just happen to be plus sized. They are loud and proud and they rock the world. These wonderful people have made me realize that being FAT isn't the issue. Personal confidence is the issue. If you want to be large or small it doesn't matter, EMBRACE yourself. Do what you want, no matter if that's running a 5K, eating a cupcake (or two!), or wearing horizontal stripes.

If I could walk around and NOT care about what other people thought about me, I wouldn't feel the need to go to the gym and work out. But that's not the person I am. I am glad I grew up fat, for all the pain it caused me, it also taught me a bunch of things I might NEVER have learned. I would be a different person. I learned compassion, humility and I'm sure it sparked a passion for writing in me, but there are some things that are still holding me back. Being fat also taught me anger, and bitterness and resentment, things I never want to feel towards people I truly care about. It brings out the worst in me, and the worst now needs to be taken care of. Now that I have realized the beauty that fat has given me, I need to handle the darkness it has given me too. Wow, cue the dramatic music...

I can't get over this idea, that what is holding me back from living my life is my own body. What's holding me back, is me. I've been told I have a bold personality, but there is a difference between volume, and action. I can live now, but I'd be hiding inside myself, wrapped in my security blanket. So that's what is going to have to happen now: bear hunting and blanket burning.

What do you love about yourself about today? What do you wish other people could learn to embrace more?