RANT: The Bear

Lately I've been in a bad mood: I've nicknamed the bad mood The Bear.

The Bear hibernates for long periods of time, only to show up at random, during that time of the month, when I'm sleepy, or when it smells something it might like to feed off of. When a friend shows up looking fabulous and gorgeous to the max, I'm happy, but The Bear snarls and grumps with jealousy. When my older sister invites me for a night out, dancing at the bar, The Bear reminds me that all her friends are skinnier than me, and people will be judging me. When there's a long shift at work, The Bear will sleep for the shift and come out afterwards, angry for no reason whatsoever. Basically, The Bear is out to massacre my good moods, my nights out, my confidence, my relationships with the ones I love or the the ones I could love. The Bear, when it's around, gives me guilt and fear for just wanting to do things that I want to do.

I've been fighting with The Bear lately. I've been struggling to workout, to find some peace with myself, but I've also been struggling really hard with the art of letting go. The art of not giving a [cover your ears kids] fuck. When someone hurts me, I don't tend to get over it, I hold on to it and forget about it, until something brings back the pain or frustration. I've seen this quality in other people and it's not flattering or healthy. In fact I think it's neurotic, my social phobia rearing it's ugly head. A big lumbering beast, following me around in my day to day life, making everything generally worse.

Milliseconds of painful time seem to be branded in my memory. I remember all the words people used to tease me when I was little. I remember my birthday, 17 or 18, making my own cupcakes while my friends and best-friend-at-the-time played video games in my basement. I remember one night last year having too much to drink, having a wild panic attack and being given the silent treatment the next day by my roommates, for one reason or another. Not a month ago, I was stretching in my driveway after a run-- a car cruised by with some young guys in it. One of them yelled something, but I couldn't hear it because of my headphones. I assumed the worst and couldn't put it out of my mind.

I keep all this stuff locked up when really, all I want to do is get rid of it. Lose the luggage, fly somewhere else. I really can't wait to start exercising again, because in lots of ways, running is good for my mind and my body. I'm stronger and I'm more stable, and I don't let the little things get to me as much. That being said, I'm making a public statement: to give less of a fuck, and to GET BACK INTO THE GYM because it fixes all sorts of things. The people who love me will encourage or forgive me for whatever actions I might have to be ashamed of. The people who judge me or hate on me without knowing who I am don't deserve to be a part of my life.

It's hunting season, and I'm out to get The Bear.

Note: Arcade Ragdoll does not support hunting of actual bears with actual weapons. We're hunting The Bear so we can tranquilize it and release it into the wild.

Sportin' Style

I had to take a few snaps of my outfit for today. I was on my way out the door when I had a flash of inspiration. It was a sudden moment of complete and total EUREKA. So I stopped in mid-step, pivoted and dashed back inside. I grabbed my camera and went to the back deck to take a couple of pictures.... Did I mention that I was on my way to the gym?

Did I also mention I'm a total ham?

I can snap pictures of me making faces at the camera in all kinds of pretty dresses, and that's cool, it's fun, but I'm not always comfortable with it, because it's only half honest.
When it comes down to it, I change outfits twice a day almost every day. This is my OTHER uniform, something I have been, and will be rocking daily for weeks, months and hopefully years to come. Don't worry, I promise I'm not going to go on another I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT rant, I'm here to talk about gym fashion. You know, serious stuff, people! If it's important enough to make it into my everyday life, it's important enough to write about in my blog.

There are four elements to this outfit:
1. The headgear
2. The tee
3. The shorts
4. The shoes

1 & 2.... As I'm sure you can see, I stay awesome at the gym by wearing sunglasses... I also rock them at night and in the bar, like an 80s song AND a douchebag. My hair gets pulled up into a tight bun and my bangs are held back with an elastic headband. Please note how nothing in this outfit is colour coordinated. I did that on purpose, to be ironic, or whatever.

As for the t-shirt.... The Hart Dynasty is a WWE wrestling tag team from Canada. Recently I went through an easy six month phase of being completely obsessed with the drama of pro wrestling. (Side note: RIP Randy Savage.) I know it's all set up, but the athleticism, a sense of showmanship and it's cheesy as hell.... Right up my alley. I only wish I had been into it in the 90s, because apparently that was golden age... Whatever, I still loves me some Miz, some John Morrison and some Daniel Bryan. Dear future employer, stumbling onto this blog.......I have nothing to say at the moment that might salvage your opinion of me. I'll get back to you on this.

You normally don't see this much swagger from someone in biking shorts.

3 & 4... shorts and shoes. The shorts are from Joe Fresh, and I'm pretty sure my mom bought them on sale. I don't even know how to tell you what colour they are. The racing stripes are some washed out pink and the main part is some weird green-grey-concrete tone I've never been able to nail down. I like them because they don't ride up when I'm on a roll. Also, anything equipped with racing stripes gets a thumbs up in my book.

The shoes are white, yellow and black Reeboks. I think I've have them since at least my first year of college... three years ago. I really think they pull the whole look together, don't you? It's like I always say... There's something about a pair of well loved, dirty running shoes that adds a touch of class to the ensemble.

Realistically, this is what I'm wearing when I'm not prancing around in dresses, sandals or skinny jeans. JUST GLAMOROUS. What do y'all rock when you aren't being fabulous citizens of the world?

Zumba

In my seemingly never ending mission to find personal fitness and self control around food, I'm trying to find exercise I like doing. It's not as hard as it sounds... Mostly I avoid spinning like the pedal pushing torture-fest that it is. I tend to like cardio that gets my blood pumping and my feet moving. Short form on this one:

SPIN = BAD. RUNNING = GOOD.

So for the past two weeks I've been going to Zumba classes at my gym. For those of you who don't know what Zumba means, it's Spanish for, "your arms, hips and feet are ALL GOING TO BE DOING DIFFERENT THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY!"... Or something. I couldn't find it on Wikipedia, and let's face it after that, the lazy searcher knows when the battle is over.

Zumba is basically dance routines with the adrenaline pumped up to 100%, set to the music from around the world. E.g. salsa and merengue (which IS music and not fluffed up egg whites, thank you very much) as well as some Indian and African music that got punched in the teeth by techno pop. Basically you follow the instructor as best as you can through choreographed dances that kick your ASS. The first week I went I was tripping over myself and shuffling to keep up.

I watched the instructor as she grapevined with her feet, her hips swiveled and her arms somehow managed to weave in a graceful manner ALL at the same time. Impossible. I was staring, trying to remember which was my right and my left. Eventually I got the hit of the beat into my head and I let myself have fun with it. I know lots of people say they're really self conscious in a gym/fitness class setting... and I might have been like that for awhile... But even if I can't keep up or get all the steps right, I always make a point to keep moving. I'm not there to impress anyone, I'm there to have fun!

You too can be this cool. (Source.)

The other awesome thing about these classes is that anyone can try them. There are girls bigger than me, ladies smaller than me, women my age, older, purple, you name it. At the end of my second class I was dripping sweat, my pulse was pounding and I was happy as hell.

I guess this just means that it pays off to give everything a try or two... and if you can't cut it with spinning, like me, I would recommend Zumba. The music is a little different from your repetitive top 40. You get to shake it out, feel kinda exotic and it's the kind of workout you underestimate. Trust me.

I'm just warning you now, despite the talk about salsa, shaking and gyrating, this class is NOT SEXY. You get grossly hot under the collar and you sweat in places you didn't know you could sweat... Still, it's completely worth it.