Fails.

Bek took me to an amazing delicious dinner out tonight in honour of my upcoming 23rd birthday. On the bus back to the apartment, she asked me if I was ready to be twenty-three and I think at first I snorted and then sat back and thought about it. "I feel failurely." Which is not BEING a failure, I'd just like to clarify, it's being fail-ish. Which is like being in transition. Now I realize you don't get to have your life de-rubixed by the age of twenty-three, hell, people never really SOLVE life, they just deal with it as it goes. I can't help but feel...lacking.

Bek said you can't fail until you give an answer, and if you're looking for answers, then technically, failure is impossible because you're still searching. I said, "I just feel failish. Not just this whole school career dilemma. Just. Everything."

"Like what?"

At the time I couldn't think of any like whats, but now it's 5AM and I'm typing this and it's all coming into place. Like whats: The weird stumbling drunken two steps forward, one step back that is my love life. My weird relationship with food, which, although much better than previously, is still pretty manic in terms of "yo-yo" weight gain. This links into my weird relationship with my body. My place in the world. My sense of style-- if I have one. The fact I haven't been to a dentist in a long time. The fact that I've had a credit card for more than 3 years and only RECENTLY figured out just how they work. I don't know. Maybe we need to account for the small victories but I'm not feeling positive enough to pull that off right now, so I'll leave that for another day. BUT.

I realize compared to some people, I more or less have my shit together, at least emotionally. (Hellooo volunteer coordinating) but I feel like it's all this shallow surface stuff. I can cook a decent (hell, maybe even an amazing) meal, I know job interview protocol, some rules of social etiquette. But...it's not enough.

So I'm going to do some soul and goal searching and come up with a "23 before 24" list. Maybe I'll post it. Who knows.