Resolutions

You should read this article.

It really made me think about investing some time in my skills, myself, humanity and all that jazz.

So, in advance, I've been thinking about all the things 2013 might hold, and what I can do to resist or facilitate that change, to bring it about. I've been thinking a lot about my "resolutions" or whatever you make that you may or may not keep and this far I've come with a tiny list.

RESOLUTIONS (but the kind I really plan on keeping, REALLY)

1. Dedicate more time to art & true to life, wholesome pursuits.
Fuck you Facebook, I'm going to write/play piano/paint/draw/take photos/make something beautiful or painful/bake something/read abook Maybe I'll tweet about it later so you don't feel abandoned.

2. Try new stuff.
I was thinking about sports when I wrote this, like taking boxing classes. But this applies to everything. So often I'm afraid to walk into a new cafe, a class, wear something because it's "not what I normally try on." Ridiculous. I'm scrapping that draft and I'm going to do it. All of it!

3. Be less afraid in general. (You're not that person anymore.)
The conversations happened in a couple of different bars at a couple of different times, but they all made me arrive at this conclusion. The 20s thus far seem to be the Renaissance of life. (We'll see what I think 8 years from now...) Everything begins to change. Throughout your twenties, you evolve, REALLY REALLY evolve for the first time. The work highschool and puberty initiated on your body transcends to you as a person. You become more, you begin to learn more what you like, what don't like, what you stand for. You develop your talent and your personality, your preferences. Sometimes, but mostly not, you get backing from the Medici family. By the time you're 30, society kind of wants to know what it is you want from life, and you're hoping to have a pretty good answer yourself.

The Renaissance was a time of beautiful change, innovation, enlightenment. I want all of those things for myself. I am governed by baggage and fear that happened to a person who I really am not anymore. I'm not the sheltered, lonely self loathing kid of yesterday, I've evolved beyond that. I know it's tough to break the chains of your mind, but if wrestling with anxiety for years has taught me anything it's that if you hold tight and you carry the hell on, you're going to get over it in the end, and be a better person for.

I will no long try and avoid eye contact with strangers, or step aside when I think people are trying to chat up my friends, because maybe, they wanted to talk to me too. I will no longer discount myself  or beat myself up as less smart or less good at something. I will do these things. (Or at least I'm gonna try, damnit.) It is not wrong to want something, or to think you deserve something, especially if that something is respect or happiness. That's human, people.

4. Speak more French.
Be less shy about pronunciation and grammar and give it a shot, because that's how I'm gonna learn.

....There's more of these but I have to go try and clean my room and study, because we're LEAVING WEDNESDAY for Christmas Holidays after my LAST EXAM which is TOMORROW! I CAN'T STOP WRITING IN CAPITALS. ALLATHEM THANGS.

P.S. Had a great study session/dinner with some friends tonight. There's nothing like talking to people who are also writers, and I'm putting this here because I want to remember the feeling of sitting in an Irish Pub in Montreal on a mild snowy night with a brainful of British Literature, a glass full of beer, holding a discussion about Tolstoy vs. Rowling, modern literature, writing and passion, laughing about the devastating effect of hormones. Happy.