Rooney

I have a giant serious girl-crush on Rooney Mara. I had one before seeing her in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, but after experiencing the film last night for the first time, I have to just say it: I would fully and completely go gay for her. She is brilliant, intense, beautiful and her eyes. Good god, her eyes. So maybe the next time my mom asks me if I'm sure I'm not a lesbian I will have to pause and go, "Oh. Only for Rooney."

The point is: she blew me away. The whole film did. It was fucking SPECTACULAR from every angle and element. I knew it was going to be good: Fincher never lets me down. I walked in with only the knowledge of the story that I had extracted from watching (and drooling over) the trailer. I walked out completely and utterly speechless, mindfucked and wanting more. (Also: I wanted to cut my hair. I've been thinking about doing a Rihanna thing and then casually posting an outfit with this badass and awesome haircut, all casual and cool like. But I am bad at surprises and keeping secrets. So. There you go. I'm thinking about it. Opinions?)



If you don't think there is something fully epic about that, I am sorry. There is something broken inside of you or you're Chuck Norris and aren't impressed by ANYTHING.
The point is, my mind is like a sponge. If I see something AWESOME, if I experience something, if someone in the same room is in a bad mood I feel like I soak it up more than most people might. I woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to be a badass. Which of course is the total and complete opposite of myself. Didn't keep me from trying.

Lisbeth Salander dressed how I wish I could in highschool, but with a ton more style. She makes me want to dress like her NOW. I bought that studded belt last weekend for the shoes I'm reworking but suddenly, this morning, it was my YES moment.

Kacy took these pictures for me. I ran outside to do it myself, but then my camera died. My tripod is finicky. It was cold. The neighbors were staring and I told them I was taking pictures of the trees for a photo essay about why winter sucks. Total badass, right? So I dragged little sis into the cold to take some snaps while I tried to look serious by staring at the ground with the concentration of a telepath unlocking a mind vault. (No, I don't really know what that is either. I just made it up.)


One of the (EVERY)things I loved about Lisbeth's look was the minimal makeup. Her skin was a flawless white palette of monochrome. Some of us would call it the perfect screen tan. I'm working on mine. I used lip balm and a concealer stick-- you can KIND of see it here? I guess?

Everything Except the Boots: Thrifted
Boots: Aldo

I don 't know. Go see the movie. That's all I have to say about that....kind of. Probably. Mostly. I'M GOING TO THE MALL NOW.

The Fighter

In screenwriting, we often call the tipping point the 'inciting incident' which is a fancy way of saying something happens in the story that spurs the character to make a choice that will ultimately put them on their journey. Once the choice is made and the wheels of their journey set in motion, this is ominously called the 'point of no return.' (Andrew Lloyd Webber fans, please refrain from belting Phantom until the end of the post. Thank you.)

In Beauty and the Beast, when Belle's father is imprisoned by the Beast, it is the inciting incident. Belle could choose to listen to her father's pleas to and leave him in the castle, but she chooses to stay with the Beast in exchange for his freedom. Thus begins the REAL story and journey for her character..In Little Miss Sunshine (I'm just picking titles of DVDs off my shelf right now...and my coffee mug) the inciting incident is Olive qualifying for the pageant. Then the family makes the choice to go on a literal journey that makes them all grown as individual units and together as a family.

What I'm saying here is that everyone has a tipping point, because life imitates art. It could be small or HUGE, but it is there. You just don't notice the patterns because you probably didn't study screenwriting. Or you're more mentally stable then I am and don't sometimes see yourself as a third party like a character in a script or book. EITHER WAY.

Opportunities for new stories are all around us. The start of your journey could be ANYTHING. Your alarm goes off late. You pick a new restaurant to eat at. You go to a poetry slam. You move to a new city. You could get a new pair of shoes and those shoes could CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
I know this is stupid coming from someone who has probably set 100 new years resolutions to date, but seeing the starting line in something OTHER than midnight on December 31st is a skill and a gift. Find the DO IT NOW instead of the 'starting tomorrow' state of mind.

Now before I start sounding like a motivational speaker with a soul patch and headset, I should probably get to why I'm bombarding you with elementary screenwriting lessons.

I've made it no secret here that I wanna lose weight and work out and blah blah blah. I've talked your ear off about it more than a handful of times. My problem now is that I need to find a new inciting incident. I need to start a new journey, because my character has undergone serious rewrites.

RILEY, 17 years old, 5'6 and 235lbs, uncomfortable in her own body and shy with a chronic addiction to hooded sweatshirts and a wild imagination.

has become

RILEY, 21 years old, 180lbs, a budding writer with an organization problem, an arsenal of bad puns, a smattering of tattoos and a little baggage about the weight she has not been able to drop since high school.

It's a different film. It's a sequel or a remake. I need to stop thinking of this as something I've been doing all along and look at it a clean slate and a new beginning. This isn't one long exhausting journey, this is a new opportunity to go to battle and kick ass. THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL. This time it's summer. University. Montreal. Bathing suits. Doing it while I'm young. While I have the time to commit to myself before school and work and everything swallow all of my attention. Building good habits and eating my vegetables.

This is just my personal problem, but like the plot building structure of film, you can apply it to anything. What's yours?

This is about picking your battles, taking up the boxing gloves and getting into the ring with the next opponent, even with the odds stacked sky high against you. Whether it's anxiety or 30lbs you want to lose or the boss you need to ask for a raise or the person you want to ask out. You are your own fucking hero, so go out, make your choice and start your journey. Now. RIGHT NOW! Find your fight and OWN it. That's what I'm gonna do. Hold me to it.

The Whole Food Movement

I gained 4-5lbs back over Christmas. Which says terrible things in equal parts about my self control AND the nature of the holidays themselves.

I'm not worried about the weight, it's small potatoes to where I've been and where I'm going. The long term damage is what concerns me. This once a year series of festivities obliterated my 'stop eating' function. Eating until you're ready to explode for one dinner is one thing. Spending a week like that in a bloated nap hazed coma of gluttony meant that when I returned to regular sized portions and meal times, my body went OMG NO, MOAR FOOD PLZ. I don't know about you guys, I had to retrain my body to understand what being satisfied was. (That's what she said?)

NOW that everything is more or less back in line, I'm struggling with the CHOICES in food that I have to make. It never ends! I'm finding it harder for me to choose to eat healthy over salty-sugary-everywhere-at-my-jobs snacks. It's tough to get away from packaged options in this day and age, they're virtually everywhere. They're more convenient, blah blah preservatives blah. So for my 100 billionth post-New Years resolution, I think I'd like to try and eat more wholesomely.

In first year, Josh used to come into my dorm room and scoff at the turkey bacon in my freezer. "Do you even know what this stuff IS? Why don't you just eat REAL bacon?" Studies have shown that people who eat low fat, zero fat treats and snacks tend to eat MORE. It gives them a sense of allowance. So screw reduced fat cheddar, cake mix, and cooking with only egg whites. Hello moderation, cutting back on candy and having a healthy relationship with food.

Part of this whole food movement is going to be learning to bake and cook healthier things. Variety is the spice of life, and BABY, do I like my food spicy! Combining time in the kitchen with my crazy fitness plan is going to ensure some measure of success. The word is BALANCE.

So if you guys have any healthy, wholesome, baking or cooking recipes that I just HAVE to try, hollah!

I baked this today to get back into my groove. It might not be the healthiest, but it has none of the preservatives of store bought bread and I ad libbed the oats in there for added goodness!

WHITE OAT BREAD


1/4 cup milk
5 teaspoons sugar (or 1 1/2 tablespoons)
1 teaspoons salt
5 teaspoons melted butter (or 1 1/2 tablespoons)
1 package active dry yeast
2 1/2 to 3 1/2 cups flour
Corn starch or nonstick cooking spray

• Mix up the yeast according to the directions on the packet. (Fleischmann's instant yeast is 1/4 cup warm water, 1 tsp sugar and then the usual 2 1/4 tsp of yeast.)

• Add the melted butter, the milk, the sugar, and the salt to the yeast mixture and stir it.

• Add two cups of flour to the mix. Start stirring, and then add the flour about 1/4 cup at a time. (This is where I added 1/2 cup of oats. FUN!)

• Add flour until the dough is still slightly sticky, but it doesn’t stick to your hands in any significant way. Also, it should largely clean the sides of the bowl, leaving just a thin layer of floury stuff.

• Knead on a floured surface for ten minutes. (It's going to make your arms hurt. TRUST.)

• Shape it into a ball and coat the inside a bowl with nonstick cooking spray, then put the ball of dough inside the bowl. Toss to coat. Cover and let rise for one hour.

• Punch the dough down. Shape it into a loaf, putting it into a greased bread pan. Wait another hour.

• Put in the oven at 400 degrees for 30 minutes. When it’s done, remove it from the oven, the pan and let it cool as much as you possibly can before eating. (Good luck!)

Rant: Bop This Way

I wasn't going to write about this but it has officially annoyed me enough that I'm going to say my piece and then shut the hell up about it.

FCKH8 posted on their twitter feed on the 9th of January, saying that Kidz Bop, who let's face it, have already committed a billion and one atrocities against music, are now also committing crimes against humanity too. Okay, that's a little dramatic.

Long story short: their cover of Lady Gaga's single Born This Way on their 157th BILLON album has censored lyrics, omitting words from the bridge of the song:

"Don't be drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient"

As well as:

"No matter gay, straight or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive

No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave."

If you're feeling like you might need something to remind you that the world sucks, you can listen to the cover here.

Hooray, ignorance!

Here's the thing: I get it. I GET that the people who make this recycled pop music bullshit wanted to produce music that teachers and misguided parents could play their kids without conservatives getting up their asses about it. I get that kids don't need to be subject to social commentary and that omitting the lyrics was probably not Kidz Bop using it's phenomenal political influence to hate on the LGBT community.

But it's the PRINCIPAL of the thing, goddamn it. Heaven forbid a child inquire as to what transgender means. Heaven forbid in this day and age we expose them in the smallest of ways to equality and understanding. If people are uncomfortable with hearing a bunch of pre-pubescent ten year olds singing about "a different lover" and bisexuals, MAYBE, Kidz Bop, you just picked the WRONG song.

But REALLY: If you want to pick a song about self acceptance that pulls a couple of punches, do Firework by Katy Perry. Oh wait, you already did. These people multiply pop covers like rabid rabbits in the springtime. (Note: KB also has made fantastic song choices in covering LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem and Beyonce's Single Ladies. That's right first graders, put a fucking ring on it.)
Don't pick an anthem which Lady Gaga, an LGBT rights advocate herself SPECIFICALLY wrote to express love and empower people from literally ALL walks of life. That's a slap and a spit in the face if there ever was one.

You won't like her when she's angry.

My other beef with the song is that it's okay to keep the lyrics "believe capital H-I-M", obviously in reference to God. Again, not exactly controversial wildfire. But really, it's okay to teach kids about God and religion, another MONUMENTAL facet of human identity, but it's not okay to talk bout multiculturalism or transgender identification or different kinds of love? STUPID. It's not like these subjects are going away any time soon.

I know this isn't the kind of thing that was about to turn humanity upside down, but it's the sort of thing that if left intact, could have been a score for the good guys. Well whatever. What can you expect from people who spell 'Kidz' with a fucking z?

Spamspamspamspam

In case you don't follow me on my other social networking thingy ma jigs:

Four Months My first ever post as a volunteer blogger for LGBT Youth Line, an organization that supports queer youth.

A Brief Tale of Bieber Possibly one of the few Biebercentric pieces I will ever write in my career. DON'T MISS IT.

COMING SOON: Making over my old Converse. It's going to be STELLAR, or at the very least a sad and amusing look at an attempt to save a pair of shoes for under 30 bucks. DIYnot?


I haven't been busy lately...but I have been working.
I don't know what else to say... Rebekah and I saw My Week With Marilyn which was...awesome. Not just awesome because the actors were AMAZING (which they very much were, athankyou) awesome. The movie was just all around good. But seriously...seriously. Please go see it. If you like Marilyn Monroe, you'll be BLOWN AWAY.

"We Don't Want Our Friends To Be Happy."

"We Don't Want Our Friends To Be Happy" by William Henderson

I like to think I'm a good person, but the good means that I am the bare minimum of a decent human being... And the person means that of course, I'm going to be flawed.

I sincerely like when my friends are happy, but I admit that I have the potential to be upset when I'm not the catalyst for their happiness. I love them, and when someone or something else, a satisfying job, a lover, self improvement, gives them something that I can't... It's easy for me to get jealous of whatever is filling in the blank for them. (Yes. I am 10 years old with envy issues. Oops. I should have included that in my blogger bio.)

When we're needed, we're pleased. Who needs us more than a friend in pain?

On the other end of the scale, I could also agree with Henderson's argument. Not that I want my friends to fail. I just want our lives to synchronize watches so that everyone has ups at the same time. So that nobody gets left behind while the rest get to have their cake and eat it too. I don't want someone (myself included) to be miserable and bitter while everyone else gallivants off on pink unicorns.

Joyful equality! Is that too much to ask?

Vinyl and SOUL

I’ve been seeking a creative outlet. There’s this need under my skin to get really hands on with some kind of project. Literally, almost anything has entered my mind at least once: from sewing, cooking/baking, writing, refurbishing old furniture... You name it, I’ve probably been considering it.

Blame Nylon. The magazine, not the material. The January 2012 issue has a feature about fashion inspired by the 60s and showcased a TON of 20-something talent. Whenever I see young people accomplishing stuff, my initial reaction is: “COOL!” Followed by a introspection as to what I’ve been doing with myself and my life.

With work, fitness and random commitments (plus the fact that the internet is a black hole that sucks up ALL OF MY TIME) it’s easy to neglect passion and creativity by plugging in.

If there were post-New Years resolutions to be made I would add ‘spend more time with love and art, and less time with Stumble’ to the list, as well as calling myself on my own bullshit. That’s a blog for a different day.
To get creative, I’ve decided to try and paint up a pair of my old canvas high tops, so that will be probably end up posted here. Sometime soon?
I'm also looking for volunteer positions right now, trying to write some blogs for LGBT Youthline, get involved, be informed. I want to take care of the world.

Today, when I was shopping for shoe painting supplies (and taking Kacy shopping for her vegan food stuffs) I was feeling retro. A handful of days ago I inherited a pile of my dad's old vinyls, and I've been listening to Sly and the Family Stone's Greatest hits, daily.
I have a new love, and it's name is vinyl and SOUL. (Ooh. That was the title of the post. Now it's like we're in a bad movie where they use the title in a really dramatic manner. If you've ever seen Face/Off... You know what I mean.) Oh, right. Then I dressed like a hippie for kicks. More 70s than 60s, but it's all good baby.



Oh jeez. Put that away before you hurt somebody.

Vest: Thrifted
Shirt: Thrifted
Pants: Thr-- I'm seeing a pattern here...
Bag: Matt and Nat
Boots: Aldo (On SALE!)

The only thing I have to say about this outfit is that I would like MORE. Next time I'll add a necklace, a couple rings, some sunglasses or something. For now, simplicity works. Also: those pants didn't fit a couple of months ago. SCORE.

Veganarian

My l'il sister Kacy is trying out a funny balance of Vegan + Vegetarian as part of a New Years health kick. I don't entirely understand her motives but I admire her courage. (She's downstairs cooking us dinner right now. This is the girl who texts me excitedly when she properly makes rice for dinner at school.) As long as she doesn't become one of those preachy douchey Vegans, I'm down with her choice. She says that a lot of her choices are related to the hormones and processing in meat products, so I told her she will have to kiss EVERYTHING A MCDONALDS GOODBYE. Which I suppose is the point of the whole exercise.

Kacy tends to hibernate for 12+ hours every day when she can, and she's hoping it might afford her a little more energy, which is a decent try, anyway.

I can't judge her because I ate vegetarian for about a year in my teens, more as an identity thing over a moral/nutritional thing. I also cooked veggie stylez a lot at school because it was inexpensive. (And I'll probably do it again!) Either way. That's what's happening right now.
I got so excited that she was making dinner for us. She's wearing the glasses because she A) wants to look cool B) onions make her cry C) all of the above.

It's funny to watch the people in my family move independently of one another. Off to work/the gym and cooking each other dinner.
I'm in the midst of trying to decrypt the application process to University in a different city. My older sister just got a new job related to her desired field. (CONGRATS JILLIGAN!) I guess this is what it feels like to be part of a family as it grows, changes and evolves.

Whether Kace is in a phase or not, for some reason it's fostered some pride to me that she's trying something new and different under the banner of self improvement. I advised ma that she should be happy her kids are expanding their horizons and trying new things of their own volition. Mama, being classic mom, doesn't GET IT.

Which is yet another entry on the list of things that my parents don't understand about their children. Maybe just for now, or maybe not ever. I've been wondering lately over the fact that my parents STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. Something I thought I let go of more or less when I graduated from college, became an adult (more or less), that kind of thing. We are all growing, moving, changing. Independent colonies broken off from the original mother(andfather) land.

I guess the difference between teenhood and now is that now I can appreciate WHY we fail to connect on some subjects: music, tattoos, politics, clothes, careers, and so on and so forth. This is in contrast to just fuming about what I assumed was ignorance but was really just differences in time and upbringing and culture and other things. What can you do? Just wait until you're on your own, I suppose.

P.S. If anyone has any suggestions for workout songs or healthy recipes they'd recommend, I'm in the market!

12345678910 11 12-- RESET

I worked out for the 1st time this year. I didn't WANT to really, but by the end, was glad I went.

Getting onto the wagon after the holidays (a la resolutions or OTHERWISE) is kind of easy to START, but difficult to maintain. You get into this ass kicking mentality, but by the end of the month the gym is empty again, you feel slack and winter is crushing your drive to get up and GO.

Personally, in addition to this, I'm feeling a little disheartened because of the weight I gained over the holidays. (Self control? What does THAT mean?) But what's done is done, and I'm ready to pick it up and relearn and start again. Refocus. Thinking of summer. Shorts and bathing suits and new tattoos and the PRIDE festival and the beach. It's more fun than the reality that is the FREEZING COLD OUTDOORS.

I feel like I've been out of routine forever, but it's only been ONE week.

Today's Workout

FLASHBACK: To Jill in her recent CPR certification course where the trainer tells her and the rest of the class that if a heart is going 180+ beats per minute (BPM), it's going go fast there's a possibility you can give yourself a heart attack.

CUT TO: Me running 7.5 miles per hour for 30 seconds on the treadmill. I have never run faster than this. EVER. People could be chasing me with an axe and I'd be more sluggish. This is officially an interval sprint.
Jill and I have been using intervals (alternating between running HARD and running less hard) in our cardio to keep ourselves challenged.

CLOSE UP: The heart rate monitor on my wrist, showing a solid 181 BPM. Surrounded by old people with white hair and I'm about to collapse and be the one to have an exercise induced heart failure.

Today, I almost gave myself a heart attack. Good start to the workout year. Lesson of the day: moderation.

Retrospect

THINGS I DID IN 2011: Started this blog! Survived one (and many subsequent) hot yoga classes. Ran my first 5K. Ran my first 10K, and ended up published in a magazine because of it! Got a new tattoo. Volunteered at PRIDE in Toronto. Got a new job (or two), including my first paid writing position. Graduated from college with honours. Discovered what direction I think my life is heading. Wrote a novel in a month. Attended my first poetry slam. Got punched in the heart and made it through. Visited California. Karaoke'd my heart out in front of a roomful of people. Learned the art of waking up at 5AM for early morning shifts. Dressed with a little more flair. J'ai travaillé sur mon Francais. Discovered my hometown doesn't totally suck. I became legal EVERYWHERE. I feel as though I grew by the bucketful, which is awesome...

But that was last year. Out with the old and in with the new, and what have you.

My resolutions are pretty simple, but they're easier said than done.

• Stop comparing myself to other people.
This one is nearly impossible, and I know that. However, if I want to be a better person, one of the things I need to do is stop getting upset for things that are out of my control. I need to realize that I am an individual, and so are the ones I love, and what makes them different doesn't make them better or me worse. I have a really hard time with this sometimes and it punches my confidence right in the gut.

• Continue my fitness regime, and taking care of myself.
Being honest, yeah, this past week, I've fallen off the wagon a little. But I'm more determined now to get back on. To make time for fitness which not only stabilizes my body, but my brain. To make it a priority instead of a burden. Choosing better foods and really LISTENING to myself and my feelings also fall under this category. If I want to go out, I can go out. If I want to sleep (and I have the time) sleep I shall! That kind of thing.

That's pretty much it. Nothing sweeping or crazy. I just want this to be the year when I feel like most of the pieces come together. When I get out and RUN FOR IT. Seriously. The year when I stop being the thing that is holding me back the most.

I have a bunch of stuff that I would LOVE to do this year, but that's a list for another blog.