So I decided I have to withdraw my application from George Brown for January 2014 after a lot of angst, some tears, a heart to heart with my older sister and a realization.
The realization that just because I'm not going to pastry school straight away doesn't mean I can't learn things about pastry and baking on my own time. So I went to the library yesterday and checked out "The Pastry Chef's Apprentice" and a book on basic pastry and baking techniques by the French Culinary Institute. I want to take in as much as I can. If this stuff is a real passion of mine, I can keep the dream alive, practice and learn as much as I can before I go to school.
Then, when I get to baking school, I'll just be a total ACE, right?...Er...RIGHT? Because I don't believe in giving up, but I believe in givin' 'er. So I'll keep baking and learning, and writing essays and trying to "learn to love the skies I'm under." (Thanks, Mumford & Sons)
Take a deep breath. If things aren't alright, I've got time to make it better.
September 30, 2013
September 16, 2013
I've decided to do everything. Ever. Seriously. If reincarnation is a crock and "YOLO" is the gospel as told by Generations Y & Z, then I have too many things to get done. Write. Sing. Bake wedding cakes. Climb a mountain. Travel to Paris. Chase down every dream with fervour until I've got it under my fingertips.
Because I can, and maybe because I have to, and definitely because I want to.
Because I can, and maybe because I have to, and definitely because I want to.
September 02, 2013
August 27, 2013
The Road Back
2. Make proper macarons.
4. Run 10K. (Again!)
5. Accept a compliment gracefully.
6. Read 12 books. -- You Suck & A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore, Half Asleep In Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins, Hannibal, The Hunger Games trilogy, 7/12
8. Send letters to people I love.
9. Maintain a fitness routine for 3 months. -- In progress!
10. Find my signature beer/cocktail.
11. Learn how to use dad's SLR camera.
13. Learn "hello" and "I love you" in 3 more languages. (Bonus: Learn simple Russian phrases to talk to Babcia.)
14. Shoot a blog video for Bite Club.
15. Finish a third slam poem, for a full set, just in case...
17. Ask someone out. (Bonus points: in person. Forget texting and Facebook.)
18. Drag out on Halloween. 19. Actually print off and frame some of the photos I've taken.
20. Learn things about latte art. (Like, oh, I dunno, how to do it.)
21. Stay out all night, until the sun comes up, who knows how long it will be before you can't do it anymore?
22. Get rid of some old stuff.
23. Make a 24 before 25. (Never quit striving!)
Going back to school and feeling less like everything is stupid and pointless now. I'm singing in the shower and recipe hunting. I even want to write and edit a little. I no longer want to fall off the face of the earth in a bid to stop existing. So I'd say everything is going relatively well. I feel like myself.
Going back to school and feeling less like everything is stupid and pointless now. I'm singing in the shower and recipe hunting. I even want to write and edit a little. I no longer want to fall off the face of the earth in a bid to stop existing. So I'd say everything is going relatively well. I feel like myself.
August 18, 2013
Q&A
Dear internet, I know I've been getting pretty dark and heavy with shit here the past couple of posts, so I feel it is my duty both to myself, as well as to the people I love and care about who read this blog, to record something positive, when there is indeed something to write about. To record for my own mind, a note that when things get tough, that doesn't mean they get impossible. Push.
I'm not feeling 100% better, to be honest, my anxiety is wobbly and my self esteem is not great, but these are things that can be worked on, and that's the point. That's fantastic. When we're weakened, we can rebuild. Today, I painted my toenails, just because I wanted to. For fun. Something completely unnecessary to my survival, something that plugged me into myself, my life, and I had the drive to do it. I slept because I was tired and not because I was sick of being awake and being alive and being aware of both.
I've turned a corner of some kind. I'm even back to worrying (lightly) about the choice I have to make between what career path I want to chase down right now, instead of shrugging it off because "whocareswhatyouchoosebecausenothingmatters."
I may not have the answers right now, but at least I'm asking questions. God, I can't wait to make up my mind, get even better, and get on with blogging about something else for once.
I'm not feeling 100% better, to be honest, my anxiety is wobbly and my self esteem is not great, but these are things that can be worked on, and that's the point. That's fantastic. When we're weakened, we can rebuild. Today, I painted my toenails, just because I wanted to. For fun. Something completely unnecessary to my survival, something that plugged me into myself, my life, and I had the drive to do it. I slept because I was tired and not because I was sick of being awake and being alive and being aware of both.
I've turned a corner of some kind. I'm even back to worrying (lightly) about the choice I have to make between what career path I want to chase down right now, instead of shrugging it off because "whocareswhatyouchoosebecausenothingmatters."
I may not have the answers right now, but at least I'm asking questions. God, I can't wait to make up my mind, get even better, and get on with blogging about something else for once.
August 12, 2013
Push.
I'm writing this because trying to verbalize any and all feelings I'm having right at this moment seems almost impossible. Sometimes, I zone out from the world, staring off into nothing, and I realize my brain is trying to scrape together words that might summarize it.
It's not sadness. It's not nothingness. It's not worthlessness. It's not a lack of something, so much as a presence of something else. When you swallow a thick food, like a wad of hot mashed potato and it burns and sticks in the back of your throat and there's a strain of a choking to get it all down? If that was an emotion, this would be it. When you look in the mirror in the middle of the night, half asleep and you don't recognize yourself, and you don't like what you see. When you know you need something but you won't get it for yourself, whether it's because of empty batteries or because whogivesafuck. When life seems impossibly, agonizingly long from the point where you're standing, and you're not looking forward to it.
Knowledge about mental health is REALLY important to me. It's an issue close to my heart in so many places, through so many people, and I try to educate myself on it as much as I can. And I can say with some conviction that I think I'm suffering an episode of at least mild depression. I didn't want to use that term because it's serious but... I've never felt like this before. I'd been sad, but this is something else. I've never actually been depressed before... Not until now. I just woke up one day and it was...different.
The blog Hyperbole and a Half has a pretty apt explanation of what I'm feeling like right now:
And while what I'm experiencing is not as extreme, shreds of it resonate with me. (Read the whole post here, the insights are amazing, heart breaking and sincere.) The feelings go away if I push.
My new motto. "Push." Push to go for a run. Push to do something you like, even a little something, like baking an easy batch of cookies. Push to wear something other than sweatpants. Push yourself to see the people you love, even if you're afraid, afraid of crying at them, or staring at them without being able to relate to their overall goodness, or afraid of being misunderstood. Push to get out of the house. Push to try and sing like I used to.
I'm trying a little bit every day to get better, because as much as whatever it is I'm dealing with wants me to be nothing, and do nothing about fixing it, I am pushing to help myself. To engage. It's not easy, but I can't let it beat me, because I don't want to live this way. I want to love life again, or I should want that, so I do want it, somewhere deep down. I'm reading a book about cognitive behavioural therapy to try and fix whatever's gone awry.
It's not sadness. It's not nothingness. It's not worthlessness. It's not a lack of something, so much as a presence of something else. When you swallow a thick food, like a wad of hot mashed potato and it burns and sticks in the back of your throat and there's a strain of a choking to get it all down? If that was an emotion, this would be it. When you look in the mirror in the middle of the night, half asleep and you don't recognize yourself, and you don't like what you see. When you know you need something but you won't get it for yourself, whether it's because of empty batteries or because whogivesafuck. When life seems impossibly, agonizingly long from the point where you're standing, and you're not looking forward to it.
Knowledge about mental health is REALLY important to me. It's an issue close to my heart in so many places, through so many people, and I try to educate myself on it as much as I can. And I can say with some conviction that I think I'm suffering an episode of at least mild depression. I didn't want to use that term because it's serious but... I've never felt like this before. I'd been sad, but this is something else. I've never actually been depressed before... Not until now. I just woke up one day and it was...different.
The blog Hyperbole and a Half has a pretty apt explanation of what I'm feeling like right now:
"At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. "
My new motto. "Push." Push to go for a run. Push to do something you like, even a little something, like baking an easy batch of cookies. Push to wear something other than sweatpants. Push yourself to see the people you love, even if you're afraid, afraid of crying at them, or staring at them without being able to relate to their overall goodness, or afraid of being misunderstood. Push to get out of the house. Push to try and sing like I used to.
I'm trying a little bit every day to get better, because as much as whatever it is I'm dealing with wants me to be nothing, and do nothing about fixing it, I am pushing to help myself. To engage. It's not easy, but I can't let it beat me, because I don't want to live this way. I want to love life again, or I should want that, so I do want it, somewhere deep down. I'm reading a book about cognitive behavioural therapy to try and fix whatever's gone awry.
July 30, 2013
Let's waste time chasing cars.
Today, I felt okay. Maybe okay for the first time I have in awhile. I kind of felt like... maybe everything wasn't pointless. It sounds borderline-omg-put-that-girl-on-24-hour--death-watch, but today I went out biking and I was nervous around the cars, because I have things to live for. Something clicked and today, I mattered, and maybe even though I'm not sure where I'm going and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, there IS a place for me somewhere.
Some part of me acknowledged that a big part of my problems are just wild insecurities, confidence issues not yet resolved.
Maybe I do matter to the people I love, the people who love me, and it's only the ugly voice of poor self confidence that's telling me I'm being replaced and it doesn't matter, that I'm not good enough for them, that I've changed for the worse, and that every choice I make from here on out will be a mistake.
Strangely, it helped to go to the thrift store and try on clothes that both fit and looked good. The weight gain over the trip and the summer so far have only made me furious with myself, and today I think I realized that it's going to be okay. Finding the perfect fit just felt like, no matter what size I am, I can still choose something that's me. I can still be myself. That I'm going to fight back somehow and go on without drowning. I went for an intense bike ride and took on as many hills as I wanted, never stopping to walk on any of them. Regardless of a number on the scale, I feel like my body is getting stronger every day. (I'm almost 15 days into my "23 before 24" goal of maintaining a fitness regime for three months!)
It also helped that I looked in the mirror and it was the first time in awhile that I didn't feel plain or ugly. There was a glimmer of something in the mirror. Something beyond pretty or beautiful, beneath the surface. Maybe it was the unique thing that makes me... me and today was the first day in a long time that I really felt like myself again.
I don't know what to make about any of this, I just know that it's good, I hope it lasts, and even more than that, I hope it keeps getting better.
Some part of me acknowledged that a big part of my problems are just wild insecurities, confidence issues not yet resolved.
Maybe I do matter to the people I love, the people who love me, and it's only the ugly voice of poor self confidence that's telling me I'm being replaced and it doesn't matter, that I'm not good enough for them, that I've changed for the worse, and that every choice I make from here on out will be a mistake.
Strangely, it helped to go to the thrift store and try on clothes that both fit and looked good. The weight gain over the trip and the summer so far have only made me furious with myself, and today I think I realized that it's going to be okay. Finding the perfect fit just felt like, no matter what size I am, I can still choose something that's me. I can still be myself. That I'm going to fight back somehow and go on without drowning. I went for an intense bike ride and took on as many hills as I wanted, never stopping to walk on any of them. Regardless of a number on the scale, I feel like my body is getting stronger every day. (I'm almost 15 days into my "23 before 24" goal of maintaining a fitness regime for three months!)
It also helped that I looked in the mirror and it was the first time in awhile that I didn't feel plain or ugly. There was a glimmer of something in the mirror. Something beyond pretty or beautiful, beneath the surface. Maybe it was the unique thing that makes me... me and today was the first day in a long time that I really felt like myself again.
I don't know what to make about any of this, I just know that it's good, I hope it lasts, and even more than that, I hope it keeps getting better.
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